The Decision

There are a couple different ways to approach each situation. There is the positive approach: which can range from unrealistic, blind optimism to choosing to smile and keep calm when something comes up; OR you could choose the negative approach: which can range from constantly assuming the worst possible situation is reality, to allowing all attached emotions to become numb.

I have taken both sides in my lifetime. While the negative approach is easier in the short-term, the positive approach is better emotionally for the long-term, and vise-versa. When we were first told about our daughter's condition over a year ago, our initial reaction was to break down. It felt like our world was crumbling around us. We went from expecting what we thought was a healthy little girl - shopping for used baby furniture, getting excited over every ultrasound and every week which passed - to packing up what little supplies we did have, crying until it literally hurt, and nursing a gaping hole in my perfect little picture of our future family.

At that point, we had to make a choice - a choice which had already been laid out in front of us by many different medical professionals: abort and begin recovery, or continue the pregnancy without knowing what we were up against. As you know, we chose the latter. This came with a whole other decision to make: how were we going to approach life going forward.

At first, Charles didn't even like talking about the pregnancy. He didn't treat me poorly - in fact, he was just as sweet and gallant as ever, if not more, but I felt dirty... like the little blessing inside of me was something to be ashamed of. But, really, that was just his personal way of coping with the situation. After a couple heart-felt conversations, he agreed to make an effort to be excited about our little blessing.

What really helped was when Sophia started kicking hard enough for Charles for feel her. It made her more real for both of us, and helped us to maintain our positive outlook. I have had many people ask how we managed to maintain our faith during our trial with her. It was not easy. Few people were privy to my breakdowns, my overwhelming need to be held and comforted, and the couple times Charles and I felt so separate in the ways we were dealing with the prolonged loss of our daughter. We could not carry the load between the two of us - we absolutely needed our God's strength to buoy us up, and we knew it. Rejecting Him was not an option.

Fast forward to a few months ago. 

Trying to conceive was making me lose my mind. I lived my life in weeks, anticipated symptoms, and a sea of negatives - including my attitude. Friends were getting pregnant, and several of them even lost pregnancies. I started to sink into a spiral of negative thoughts:

What if I never get pregnant again?

What if I do, but we just end up going through the same thing over and over again?

Will I lose a pregnancy too?

What will Charles and I do if we never have children?

I started to feel useless and defective, like all I was capable of was making babies with no skull caps... and that's not a great skill if you want to expand your family. These thoughts, coupled with immense frustration over our living and employment situations, led to a couple of realizations.

1) We needed to move. Yesterday.

2) It's practically impossible to "just don't think about trying to conceive."

3) Reading scriptures and praying daily are very important, and essential to keeping a positive outlook. 

4) Having a plan for your day and/or some way to pass the time is valuable, especially when you're losing your mind in the monotony of trying to add to your family.

So, we moved. Quickly. I had already picked up on reading my scriptures more often, and focusing on the move and everything we needed to do before it could happen helped keep my mind off of baby-making. The fact that I hadn't been feeling well didn't help, but I did my best to push it to the back of my mind. I couldn't stand another negative test - not when we were working so hard to not only make positive changes in our lives but also to maintain a positive outlook for our future.

Then my period was late, and I was throwing up for seemingly no reason. I still refused to test. It wouldn't be the first time I'd had "pregnancy symptoms," only to be let down when it came time to test. Then things started to settle down, and my symptoms didn't fade, so I tested.

It was positive.

I celebrated with the fries and gravy I had been craving for days.

But then the negativity started to loom again.

Will this baby die too?
Will I even make it past the first trimester?
Can we support a baby?
Am I even capable of being a good mother?

So, once again, I came to a crossroads. I had to decide whether to embrace the negativity or accept the fact that the odds were in our favor for having a healthy baby - that, whatever happened, we could handle it with the help of the Lord.

I'm choosing to be positive. I'm choosing to believe this baby will survive and that Charles and I will be wonderful parents. I'm choosing to throw myself into my calling as a primary teacher, and give those kids everything they deserve - not an under-prepared, disinterested teacher who can't wait to get onto their own life. I'm choosing to keep busy during the week by maintaining a pleasant living environment wherever we are, and doing things I enjoy like writing, reading scriptures, napping, keeping hydrated (it's not as easy as you think), spending time with family, etc. I even have a very part time job helping my mother out when she has to be out of work for an extended period of time.

It's still not easy. Life isn't easy. Whatever you're up against - and everyone is always against some kind of trial - you have a choice. You can choose to accept the negative thoughts which will undoubtedly bombard you, or you can choose to be positive. Being positive doesn't mean you think you can handle everything on your own. It doesn't mean you blindly believe the best is going to happen either, or that you won't have rough days. It means you will exercise your faith, trust that the Lord knows and loves you and will be there for you, no matter how difficult things get.

Recently, a family in our ward lost a daughter too. She had been on this earth much longer than our Sophia, and I'm sure it was quite the shock. Then came the Decision, and they chose to be positive. They have not wallowed in their loss. That doesn't mean it has been easy. That doesn't mean they haven't broken down crying every once in a while. That doesn't mean they haven't needed the Lord as their constant companion.

Every trial comes with a choice. Choose to be positive. Choose to lean on the Lord - He is really, truly only a prayer away. He will send His angels, even if they're in the form of a caring friend or a spontaneous plate of cookies from your neighbor. It doesn't mean you have to pretend to be deliriously happy, or pretend your problems don't exist. Being positive may not be easy or even the most popular way to deal with trials, but you will never regret it.

We still don't know whether we will get to be full-time parents once our little one's due date rolls around, but we're choosing to have faith. In the meantime, I'm gulping down water like it's my job (because, well, it is), keeping well-nourished, spending time with my little one's daddy (he's a total hottie), and finding constructive ways to pass the time - like obsessing over cloth diapering - so I don't go crazy for the zillionth time. It sure beats worrying my brains out over what could happen.

(P.S. I just wanted to note that I'm not suggesting you strive to be blindly optimistic. There is no reason not to search out your options in each situation, set some money aside for the rainy days, and allow yourself a good cry every once in a while. However, when things do get rough - and they most certainly will - you should do everything in your power to maintain your faith in God, continue doing things which make you genuinely happy, and look forward to the future with hope.)