The Label I'll Accept

I'm not one for labels, but I think one I might contentedly accept is that of "introvert." According to the all-knowing Google, an introvert is "a shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person." While this is not a highly favorable definition, it does reflect the typical opinion of such a person. After a quick search for a more satisfying definition, I found this about.com page, which states (with my notes in parentheses - please click on the link to read the article note-free):

Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. ((While I would personally include the "shy" part for myself, I do agree that this is different for each person. Heck, an extrovert can be shy too, but be affected differently!)) Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people. 

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge." ((This is so true for me. I never just go to the mall for the "fun" of it or search out party/dance invitations. Environments full of people - even those I know - tend to be very stressful for me. While I consider myself to have decent social skills, I just feel totally out of place in those situations. My only solace is finding or bringing a good friend who is willing to stick with me through the place or event - including large grocery stores and certain activities. Hubby has learned not to leave me alone in unfamiliar places because he knows how uncomfortable it makes me.))

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective. ((This is something I love about my relationship with Hubby. While we are often in the same room, we are comfortable with doing our own little activities. We enjoy spending time together, but we are also content with silence, which can be very refreshing for someone like myself.))

Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk. ((Put simply, I despise small talk. I feel like it is a waste of time, and conversations typically end in an awkward "Well, bye...."))

I feel this definition more thoroughly and adequately describes how I would consider myself, as an introvert. I do not believe there is anything wrong with being an introvert, but I do believe it can "hurt" you socially. Growing up, I never had a large circle of friends. I tended to be friendly with those with whom I had things in common - my advanced class classmates, fellow choir members, ward members, etc. However, when all was said and done, I was perfectly happy just going straight from class to class, then right home. I didn't require time out with friends - seeing them at school or wherever else was enough to fill my social quota for the day.

This isn't to say I didn't have friends I considered close and enjoyed being around - I just didn't need to be in contact for longer than we naturally were. Class, lunch, and the occasional hang out were enough. Now, as I said previously, I despise small talk. I have always despised small talk. In fact, I used to become anxious whenever I needed to use a phone because I was all about the "meat" of the conversation while many other people enjoy basking in the "fluff." I don't enjoy fluff. just get down to business. Please tell me what you called to say right away. If we had a freak storm recently, please feel free to bring up the weather. If either of us were recently ill, go right on and talk about that. Politics? Eh, that's not really my thing in any situation. In any case, when the meat is gone, the conversation is over. No fluff for me, thanks.

The largest downside I've experienced with being introverted is that people tend to assume I'm "snobby" or find me unapproachable. I don't think I'm "better" than anyone else, or above conversation, I just prefer to actually have something to talk about when I find myself in a conversation with someone. I can't count how many times a simple "Hey, how are you?" has quickly descended into awkwardness (a word which might as well be my middle name when it comes to social interactions.) I do genuinely care about other people. I just don't have the greatest way of expressing myself. I have other ways - ways I've been working on for years - of showing my concern for other people. I smile, make eye contact, maybe stalk a bit on Facebook (*ahem*), express my thoughts to those I spend the most time with (Hubby and my mom, mostly), and - should opportunity arise - I talk to them specifically.

Society would like you to believe you should be extroverted, that there's something wrong with you if you're not comfortable with talking about nothing in particular every time the opportunity arises. As I grew up, I believed this too. I accepted the label of "shy girl" and just went on with life. I held many appointed leadership positions, lead group projects, had stimulating conversations, frequently spoke up in class, enjoyed my share of invigorating debates, and joined a couple clubs I quite enjoyed. Sure, I could have done more. My social anxiety kept me from doing a few things I wished I could have enjoyed longer, but I did finally get there and I had a good time, too.

I'd like to direct you to an article I found by the Huffington Post: 16 Outrageously Successful Introverts. Click on over and see if you recognize any of those people. I'd be willing to bet you do. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert - it's just different. As written by the wise Dr. Suess, "Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" As the article states, "one third to one half of the population, are introverts." I guess we're not so different after all.

The Survivalist Religion Paper

I wrote this paper three nearly years ago, and it's been sitting on my computer ever since. As I obviously was loathe to delete it, I thought I would share it with you all. I'll even throw in the "Works Cited" page, for those of you who'd like to ooh and ahh over it:

What Great Things the Lord Hath Done for the House of Israel

When I first began thinking about what I would write for this paper, all I could come up with was what I didn't want to write about. From what I can tell, there’s nothing more irritating than having to read around several hundred essays which are all centered on the same generic topics. Accordingly, my paper has two main directives. Directive one: choose an interesting and (hopefully) unique topic which won’t bore poor Brother Butterfield. Directive two: gain a greater understanding of said topic through thorough research and personal pondering. The topic I've chosen is the “great things the Lord hath done for [the house of Israel],” as stated in the title page of the Book of Mormon. These “things” can be found all over – in both recent history and the ancient beginnings of our church, the scriptures, and even in our very own lives.

Our Heavenly Father is omniscient, which means He “knoweth all things, for all things are present before [Him]” (D&C 38:2). He has worked nonstop to make sure His purposes are fulfilled. For example, we have what we need in the Book of Mormon because He knew Joseph Smith would allow Martin Harris to take the 116 pages which are now lost forever. From the beginning, that was a part of His plan. The Lord would not allow us to suffer simply because Joseph Smith and Martin Harris needed to learn a lesson. The work still needed to move along. It’s mind-boggling to even attempt to understand all the buffers the Lord has blessed us with. As members of Christ’s restored church on the earth, I submit we often take our many blessings for granted. In reality, nothing about this church is, has been, or ever will be easy. Take the atonement, the key to eternal salvation, for example. Was it easy for Christ to lead a completely sinless life? Was his suffering in Gethsemane a pleasant experience? No and no. Even Christ, the greatest man who ever walked the earth, was tempted. When our Lord and Savior was at one of his physically weakest points, having undergone a lengthy fast necessary in his preparations for his ministry, the devil came to him, tempting him to use his divine powers to attain food. He went through trials and overcame each one for us. The very fact that Christ condescended to come to earth and suffer in the way He did, is an excellent example of the great things the Lord has done for us, the House of Israel. Similarly, Joseph Smith Jr. and his brother Hyrum were martyred for the cause of the restoration. Living as Latter-Day Saints has not gotten any easier necessarily, but we tend not to realize the gravity of the sacrifices other people have had to endure for the Gospel.

The Lord’s blessings have not only been for us in the last several hundred years. He has been doing great things for the people on this earth even since before we knew we would be coming down here. He first allowed us our agency to choose to whether or not to come down to earth, to accept the trials we knew we would have to face, then sent us off to use our agency here… but He has never left us completely alone. Even those who were on the earth when the priesthood had been taken away have the ability to reap the blessings of the atonement. He has provided a way for us to do the work for them here, at which point they still have the agency to accept or deny the truth. In addition, the Lord has done many other marvelous things for His people. There was nothing ordinary about Moses splitting the Red Sea so the Israelites could cross to safety on dry ground, nor can anyone deny the hand of the Lord in the story of Sherem in Jacob, chapter 7, where he was preaching “among the people, and [declaring] unto them that there should be no Christ,” demanded a sign from Jacob, and was dead not long after confessing he’d been wrong the whole time. The Lord will do what is necessary for His people, even if it involves sacrificing one or a few of His children so the testimonies of others can grow.

Another great example of how the Lord has gone to great lengths for the House of Israel is part of the story of original household of Israel. What were the chances that Joseph, who was sold into captivity by his brothers and ended up in prison after Potiphar’s sly wife wrongfully accused him of attempting to seduce her, would essentially become an economic adviser to the Pharaoh? Then, on top of all of that, what were the chances that his brothers would end up coming to him in humility, actually sorry for what they’d done? When you think of the improbability of each of these things happening to one person, it’s easy to believe the Lord has done many great things for the House of Israel and continues to do so.

In 2 Nephi 28:27 it says “Yea, wo be unto him that saith: We have received, and we need no more!” This verse is in reference to continuing revelation, which is another way the Lord has done great things for His people, but I believe it also makes a strong case for the Lord’s continual blessings for us. He, better than all people, knows the trials we are going through and desires to help us, should we allow Him to. The great things the Lord does for us don’t have to be earth-shattering miracles. They could be as simple as providing an opportunity for your testimony to grow. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I have the unique opportunity to hold a compilation of the experiences and revelations of many inspired prophets in the palm of my hand: the Book of Mormon. All throughout the scriptures we see examples of how the House of Israel is being led away from the ways they know to be right by the devil’s cunning traps. Too often are we lulled into a false sense of security and allow Satan to influence our lives. One tactic he uses is doubt. This concept is evident in the title page of the Book of Mormon, when Moroni writes “And now, if there are faults they are the mistakes of men; wherefore, condemn not the things of God, that ye may be found spotless at the judgment-seat of Christ.” I remember the first time I found a typo in my copy of the Book of Mormon – I was shocked. How could the most correct book in all of human history have a typo? My young testimony was bruised as doubt began to seep into my soul. Then one day I came upon this scripture and this reality hit me in the face: the Book of Mormon is a true book written by imperfect humans for imperfect humans. The Gospel will still be true, even and especially if my copy of the truth carries a typo, I don’t quite understand, or if I don’t like the way something was said. What matters is that the Book of Mormon came from the Lord, who cares about us and knows what we need to hear. In that experience, I was given the opportunity to learn and grow because the Lord had seen fit to inspire those words from Moroni to the world.

The Lord continues to bless the House of Israel. Examples of His blessings can be found in every aspect of our lives and histories because everything about this earth was built to facilitate successful earthly experiences. He loves us and He has already given everything: His divine guidance, a living prophet, valiant prophets of the past, and even an atoning sacrifice which we could not have done by ourselves. It’s up to us now to realize our many blessings and seize the great opportunities of life and the Gospel which the Lord has labored to offer us.

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Works Cited

"2 Nephi Chapter 28." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Web. 28 Oct. 2010. <http://new.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/28.27?lang=eng#26>.

"Doctrine and Covenants Section 38." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Web. 28 Oct. 2010. <http://new.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/38.2?lang=eng#1>.

Hunter, Howard W. "The Temptations of Christ - Ensign Nov. 1976." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Web. 28 Oct. 2010. <http://new.lds.org/ensign/1976/11/the-temptations-of-christ?lang=eng>.

"Jacob Chapter 7." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Web. 28 Oct. 2010. <http://new.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/jacob/7?lang=eng>.

Matthew. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Web. 28 Oct. 2010. <http://new.lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/4.4?lang=eng#3>.

Maxwell, Neal A. All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book, 1979. Print. * I would have cited the specific section you gave us, but I'm not sure exactly where it is in the book.

Moroni. "The Book of Mormon: An Account Written by the Hand of Mormon upon Plates Taken from the Plates of Nephi." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Trans. Joseph Smith Jr. Web. 28 Oct. 2010. <http://new.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/bofm-title?lang=eng&query=book mormon title page>. 

{{Link}} "Walter Joshua Fretz" The boy touching hearts everywhere.

I recently came across an article giving an example of how developed babies are very early on, even while pro-abortionists claim they are only a "clump of cells." Interested, I did some digging to find the original source.

"Walter Joshua Fretz – The story of our son who is impacting so many even though he was on this earth for only a few minutes"

The baby in the article is only about 17 weeks old (assuming they conceived the average of two weeks into the mother's cycle.) That's not even half as old as a "full-term" baby, and he certainly doesn't look like a "clump of cells." Even at that age, he looks like a tiny human.

I was touched by this mother's story, and I feel for her. There's nothing like going into labor knowing your child will die - and to have this happen unexpectedly, in an unfamiliar place, with staff (at the beginning) who were nothing short of apathetic? I would be terrified.

On one note, I must applaud this mother: If I had been relegated to the emergency room and started to feel like I was going into labor at only 19 weeks along, I might not have been so patient. I probably would have insisted I be seen, rather than waiting until it was far too late to possibly salvage the pregnancy. Additionally, she seems to hold no grudge against them, even now. Of course, it would not help her to hold a grudge - it would not change the outcome one bit. She has chosen to focus on the positive - her perfect child included - instead of the negative. Good for her!

I also feel for the OB staff. I do not envy their position, as I know the staff where we had our baby were very deeply impacted by her delivery - and they were prepared for her birth! I mean, I'm sure they're not totally unaccustomed to loss, but I'm also sure they prefer to deliver healthy, living babies. I know our situation made my OB very solemn about the whole thing. This woman's situation is not entirely uncommon, but it is certainly something which people attempt to avoid.

In any case, I hope you read her article, and spend some time in awe over her sweet little boy. He is as beautiful as his story, and I pray he is allowed to continue inspiring hope through his short stay here on earth.

We Have So Much

I always tend to think that Charles and I don't have much. Frankly we don't, compared to many U.S. families. Compared to families in, say, Nigeria, we have quite a lot. Either way, I am very grateful for what we do have. We do have a room to ourselves in a house with running water, electricity, and family just a shout away. We do have a nice - albeit secondhand - bed. We do have three adorable, cuddly cats and a loyal dog. We do have enough money to suit our immediate needs and set a tiny bit aside for baby essentials. We do have a loving relationship and budding fondness for our little one in the making. We do have so much, comparatively.

Just this morning, I had the opportunity to see my obstetrician and check on our baby's development. Everything looked just as it should - skull, spine, and all! What an immense blessing to have the equipment and medical professionals necessary to monitor fetal development, especially after what has happened before.

No, living in an upstairs bedroom of my mother's house isn't an ideal situation, especially with a baby on the way. But we're so very blessed to have family willing to help us out when we needed a place to move, and it's solely our space. How many people don't even have that much?

No, we aren't rolling in money, but we certainly have what we need at this particular moment. We have food, water, air conditioning, a roof over our heads, and we're not falling into more and more debt. Sure, we have debts to pay, but most of them were incurred by my darling husband before we got married. The other notable debts are our car, which is a perfectly reasonable debt, and a credit card which got us through the difficulties of living on one minimum-wage salary when we were first married.

I've just been looking around our room. I enjoy my time in here, and actually feel quite comfortable. Even with the basics, we make it work. Frankly, that's something I've been saying a lot lately: I'm just trying to make do with what we have. It's easy to think we don't have much, but we really are rolling in the blessings.

{{Link}} "16 (+15) Ways I Blew My Marriage" + "Marriage Advice I Wish I Would Have Had"

A few weeks ago, I happened upon this link (I think he uses an occasional swear word): "16 Ways I Blew My Marriage" I had read this article before, but Charles hadn't. Since we were taking some special time together, I thought it might be nice to take turns reading each of the reasons. We cuddled-up together and started reading.

Each suggestion made a lot of sense. Honestly, I felt pretty good about myself each time we read a reason which we were already implementing in our marriage. There are plenty of stories of couples who just "grew apart" or "fell out of love," and that's not something Charles and I want for our marriage. Frankly, I don't think anyone who sincerely loves their spouse wants their marriage to end - even those in relationships which are having troubles.

Even in happy marriages, his suggestions make a lot of sense. A few days after reading the article, Charles showed up after work in nice, clean clothes, freshly-shaved, and smelling quite nice. That was his way of utilizing the "Don't Stop Trying to Be Attractive" suggestion. While I love my tired, jeans-and-t-shirt, working man any day, it's nice when he makes an extra effort to be attractive just for me.

At the end of the initial 16 suggestions, it turned out he had written another 15. "The OTHER 15 Ways I Blew My Marriage" This time, neither of us had read the article and, since we enjoyed the first one, we dove right in! A few days later, a friend shared this link on Facebook: "Marriage Advice I Wish I Would Have Had" Though his list was much shorter, his suggestions made tons of sense too.

Since then, all these words of advice have been rattling around in my head. Ten years from now, I don't want to be the couple that just "lost it." I want to continually be working on our marriage, and keeping it strong - as it should be. I'm very seriously considering writing these different "ways" down somewhere where I can see them, or at least one or two I want to work on at the time. It's so easy to just fall into a rut and let your relationship sink by the wayside. I would rather take the time to maintain our relationship then have to piece together a relationship which has been needing some TLC for quite a while.

Either way, I would definitely suggest anyone who is serious about any romantic relationship read these three articles and find ways to implement them. Even if all you do is work on one thing at a time.

{{Link}} "Seeing a Woman: A conversation between father and son"

A friend on Facebook posted THIS LINK on her wall, and I love it! Some of my favorite lines:

"It's a woman's responsibility to dress herself in the morning. It is your responsibility to look at her like a human being regardless of what she is wearing. You will feel the temptation to blame her for your wandering eyes because of what she is wearing - or not wearing. But don't. Don't play the victim." (Italics added.)

"Humans objectify the things they love in an effort to control them. If you truly love a person, do not reduce them to an object."

"Let's be clear: a woman's body is not dangerous to you. Her body will not cause you harm. It will  not make you do stupid things. If you do stupid things it is because you chose to do stupid things." 

"Women are not weaker than men. They are not the weaker sex. They are the other sex." (Italics added.)

 Really, this article is great, so I would highly suggest you read it for yourself! He has a lot of great wisdom to share, and I only hope Charles and I can convey a similar message to our boys when we catch "the look."

I Have a Problem

I have a problem. I've never been great at waiting. As a junior in high school, I had a lot of great senior friends. As a result, I caught their "senior-itis." Chronically. I was just so ready to be moving on with my life, and watching all of them take those steps made me yearn to do the same. As a senior, my family announced their plans to move to Missouri within the year. A part of me was devastated. Another part of me - the obsessive, planning part - wanted to leave immediately. If I was going to have to leave everything I'd built up during three years, I didn't want to postpone having to get used to my new situation. So, I said my goodbyes and moved in with my grandparents a month or two ahead of my family.

After that, I couldn't finish high school fast enough. Then came college. I applied to three schools. By the time I'd gotten acceptance letters from the first two schools, University of Utah and Brigham Young University - Idaho, I was going crazy. I wanted to see if I'd gotten accepted by the third school, Brigham Young University, but a large part of me said Idaho was the place to be. I accepted their offer, including a half-tuition scholarship for the first two semesters, about a month before my BYU acceptance letter came, and never looked back.

I loved everything about college. I loved the classes, the activities, living in Idaho, and being much closer to family I hadn't seen in years. I also loved always having something to do. BYU-Idaho's semesters are a little different than "regular" semesters, so I had a significant amount of time between one semester and the next, which drove me nuts.

Just before my second - and currently last - semester, I had joined a couple of dating websites (because, frankly, I had no men lining up at my door.) At the beginning of my summer break, I met a guy in Vegas. We spent some time together while I was there for a choir reunion, then I went back to Missouri to await starting my next semester.

We technically had a long-distance relationship, and I had a strong feeling that I was supposed to be married within the year, but I was miserable. I felt I couldn't possibly be meant to be married to someone like that, so I started looking for other options... and what I found was so worth the wait. (Story can be found HERE, on our daughter's blog.)

I found true love, and once someone like myself finds a love like that, you don't want to wait to start your married life. Thankfully, neither did my intended-spouse. Two months and two days later, we tied the knot. Truly, I would have been happy with doing it immediately, but that's not how things worked out. It's been nearly two years now, and I have never regretted our decision.

We wanted children immediately, and, after about three months, we got the answer we wanted. Of course, things didn't quite work out how we'd expected, and awful periods of waiting ensued. Then there was the waiting after giving birth, and the waiting while trying to conceive (read: INSANITY.) Now there's the waiting to see our baby at each appointment, and the waiting for our little blessing to finally be here. 

As you can tell, I have a major problem. I despise waiting, but it seems to be a favorite of life's teaching tools. You know, while writing this post, it occurs to me that maybe life is teaching me to enjoy the wait. Though my life can be summarized into many different periods of waiting, I have had many small moments which make the wait worth it. Waiting to finish high school gave me the opportunity to make some great friends, and enjoy a pretty great choir career. Waiting to marry Charles just made me want to marry him more, and appreciate how happy he makes me when we're together. Waiting to give birth to Sophia gave me the time to get to know her in the womb, which was especially important because I knew I wouldn't have much - if any - time to get to know her outside of the womb. Waiting with this little one is giving Charles and I the opportunity to enjoy our last months of real alone time.

Waiting doesn't have to be so bad, and really, life hasn't thrown me any period of waiting which didn't teach me something I needed or wasn't appreciative of afterward. I'll be thirteen weeks along tomorrow, and - while they haven't been particularly pleasant - I am grateful to have had them. The next twenty-seven will undoubtedly fly by, and when I get the chance to look back a couple years from now, it really won't seem like that waiting was very long or hard at all. 

The Decision

There are a couple different ways to approach each situation. There is the positive approach: which can range from unrealistic, blind optimism to choosing to smile and keep calm when something comes up; OR you could choose the negative approach: which can range from constantly assuming the worst possible situation is reality, to allowing all attached emotions to become numb.

I have taken both sides in my lifetime. While the negative approach is easier in the short-term, the positive approach is better emotionally for the long-term, and vise-versa. When we were first told about our daughter's condition over a year ago, our initial reaction was to break down. It felt like our world was crumbling around us. We went from expecting what we thought was a healthy little girl - shopping for used baby furniture, getting excited over every ultrasound and every week which passed - to packing up what little supplies we did have, crying until it literally hurt, and nursing a gaping hole in my perfect little picture of our future family.

At that point, we had to make a choice - a choice which had already been laid out in front of us by many different medical professionals: abort and begin recovery, or continue the pregnancy without knowing what we were up against. As you know, we chose the latter. This came with a whole other decision to make: how were we going to approach life going forward.

At first, Charles didn't even like talking about the pregnancy. He didn't treat me poorly - in fact, he was just as sweet and gallant as ever, if not more, but I felt dirty... like the little blessing inside of me was something to be ashamed of. But, really, that was just his personal way of coping with the situation. After a couple heart-felt conversations, he agreed to make an effort to be excited about our little blessing.

What really helped was when Sophia started kicking hard enough for Charles for feel her. It made her more real for both of us, and helped us to maintain our positive outlook. I have had many people ask how we managed to maintain our faith during our trial with her. It was not easy. Few people were privy to my breakdowns, my overwhelming need to be held and comforted, and the couple times Charles and I felt so separate in the ways we were dealing with the prolonged loss of our daughter. We could not carry the load between the two of us - we absolutely needed our God's strength to buoy us up, and we knew it. Rejecting Him was not an option.

Fast forward to a few months ago. 

Trying to conceive was making me lose my mind. I lived my life in weeks, anticipated symptoms, and a sea of negatives - including my attitude. Friends were getting pregnant, and several of them even lost pregnancies. I started to sink into a spiral of negative thoughts:

What if I never get pregnant again?

What if I do, but we just end up going through the same thing over and over again?

Will I lose a pregnancy too?

What will Charles and I do if we never have children?

I started to feel useless and defective, like all I was capable of was making babies with no skull caps... and that's not a great skill if you want to expand your family. These thoughts, coupled with immense frustration over our living and employment situations, led to a couple of realizations.

1) We needed to move. Yesterday.

2) It's practically impossible to "just don't think about trying to conceive."

3) Reading scriptures and praying daily are very important, and essential to keeping a positive outlook. 

4) Having a plan for your day and/or some way to pass the time is valuable, especially when you're losing your mind in the monotony of trying to add to your family.

So, we moved. Quickly. I had already picked up on reading my scriptures more often, and focusing on the move and everything we needed to do before it could happen helped keep my mind off of baby-making. The fact that I hadn't been feeling well didn't help, but I did my best to push it to the back of my mind. I couldn't stand another negative test - not when we were working so hard to not only make positive changes in our lives but also to maintain a positive outlook for our future.

Then my period was late, and I was throwing up for seemingly no reason. I still refused to test. It wouldn't be the first time I'd had "pregnancy symptoms," only to be let down when it came time to test. Then things started to settle down, and my symptoms didn't fade, so I tested.

It was positive.

I celebrated with the fries and gravy I had been craving for days.

But then the negativity started to loom again.

Will this baby die too?
Will I even make it past the first trimester?
Can we support a baby?
Am I even capable of being a good mother?

So, once again, I came to a crossroads. I had to decide whether to embrace the negativity or accept the fact that the odds were in our favor for having a healthy baby - that, whatever happened, we could handle it with the help of the Lord.

I'm choosing to be positive. I'm choosing to believe this baby will survive and that Charles and I will be wonderful parents. I'm choosing to throw myself into my calling as a primary teacher, and give those kids everything they deserve - not an under-prepared, disinterested teacher who can't wait to get onto their own life. I'm choosing to keep busy during the week by maintaining a pleasant living environment wherever we are, and doing things I enjoy like writing, reading scriptures, napping, keeping hydrated (it's not as easy as you think), spending time with family, etc. I even have a very part time job helping my mother out when she has to be out of work for an extended period of time.

It's still not easy. Life isn't easy. Whatever you're up against - and everyone is always against some kind of trial - you have a choice. You can choose to accept the negative thoughts which will undoubtedly bombard you, or you can choose to be positive. Being positive doesn't mean you think you can handle everything on your own. It doesn't mean you blindly believe the best is going to happen either, or that you won't have rough days. It means you will exercise your faith, trust that the Lord knows and loves you and will be there for you, no matter how difficult things get.

Recently, a family in our ward lost a daughter too. She had been on this earth much longer than our Sophia, and I'm sure it was quite the shock. Then came the Decision, and they chose to be positive. They have not wallowed in their loss. That doesn't mean it has been easy. That doesn't mean they haven't broken down crying every once in a while. That doesn't mean they haven't needed the Lord as their constant companion.

Every trial comes with a choice. Choose to be positive. Choose to lean on the Lord - He is really, truly only a prayer away. He will send His angels, even if they're in the form of a caring friend or a spontaneous plate of cookies from your neighbor. It doesn't mean you have to pretend to be deliriously happy, or pretend your problems don't exist. Being positive may not be easy or even the most popular way to deal with trials, but you will never regret it.

We still don't know whether we will get to be full-time parents once our little one's due date rolls around, but we're choosing to have faith. In the meantime, I'm gulping down water like it's my job (because, well, it is), keeping well-nourished, spending time with my little one's daddy (he's a total hottie), and finding constructive ways to pass the time - like obsessing over cloth diapering - so I don't go crazy for the zillionth time. It sure beats worrying my brains out over what could happen.

(P.S. I just wanted to note that I'm not suggesting you strive to be blindly optimistic. There is no reason not to search out your options in each situation, set some money aside for the rainy days, and allow yourself a good cry every once in a while. However, when things do get rough - and they most certainly will - you should do everything in your power to maintain your faith in God, continue doing things which make you genuinely happy, and look forward to the future with hope.)