I hope.
This pregnancy can pretty much be summed up in how I feel right now: banana burps, noxious toots, and snot clogging my nostrils before running down my throat. Gag. Headaches are pretty normal now, as is smelling like a sweaty beast when it's perfectly cool, and waking up in the middle of the night to remove every piece of clothing anywhere near touching my stomach to attempt to avoid vomiting.
So. Fun. Pregnancy is supposed to be this amazing, wonderful thing - and it is, generally, I mean, you're making a person for crying out loud - but no one generally tells you how awful it can also be. When people think of pregnancy, they think of morning sickness, but not the excessive sweating, the bloating which makes you feel like a walrus, the increased blood volume (which is a problem in itself), the hormones which make you want to both scream and cuddle those you love, and the constant worrying that something might be wrong. Even if you haven't had a baby before, the first trimester is fraught with worrying whether your baby is going to make it; whether your baby will be healthy; whether you'll be able to handle childbirth. Add losing your first to a neural tube defect - or really anything which is completely out of your control - and pregnancy is no cake walk.
But it gets better. Feeling those kicks, even when you're sitting up against a table and that perfect little foot pushes you back, surprised, is awesome. That's one thing I knew I would miss about Sophia. There's something very intimate about holding a little human being inside yourself; about knowing you are what is keeping them alive; about feeling both certain and totally uncertain that you can even do this.
I'm looking forward to the good things, and making it through the bad. I accept that anything worth having may be difficult to attain, and I'm willing to work for our little one. Whatever it takes.
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