{{Link}} "Walter Joshua Fretz" The boy touching hearts everywhere.

I recently came across an article giving an example of how developed babies are very early on, even while pro-abortionists claim they are only a "clump of cells." Interested, I did some digging to find the original source.

"Walter Joshua Fretz – The story of our son who is impacting so many even though he was on this earth for only a few minutes"

The baby in the article is only about 17 weeks old (assuming they conceived the average of two weeks into the mother's cycle.) That's not even half as old as a "full-term" baby, and he certainly doesn't look like a "clump of cells." Even at that age, he looks like a tiny human.

I was touched by this mother's story, and I feel for her. There's nothing like going into labor knowing your child will die - and to have this happen unexpectedly, in an unfamiliar place, with staff (at the beginning) who were nothing short of apathetic? I would be terrified.

On one note, I must applaud this mother: If I had been relegated to the emergency room and started to feel like I was going into labor at only 19 weeks along, I might not have been so patient. I probably would have insisted I be seen, rather than waiting until it was far too late to possibly salvage the pregnancy. Additionally, she seems to hold no grudge against them, even now. Of course, it would not help her to hold a grudge - it would not change the outcome one bit. She has chosen to focus on the positive - her perfect child included - instead of the negative. Good for her!

I also feel for the OB staff. I do not envy their position, as I know the staff where we had our baby were very deeply impacted by her delivery - and they were prepared for her birth! I mean, I'm sure they're not totally unaccustomed to loss, but I'm also sure they prefer to deliver healthy, living babies. I know our situation made my OB very solemn about the whole thing. This woman's situation is not entirely uncommon, but it is certainly something which people attempt to avoid.

In any case, I hope you read her article, and spend some time in awe over her sweet little boy. He is as beautiful as his story, and I pray he is allowed to continue inspiring hope through his short stay here on earth.

We Have So Much

I always tend to think that Charles and I don't have much. Frankly we don't, compared to many U.S. families. Compared to families in, say, Nigeria, we have quite a lot. Either way, I am very grateful for what we do have. We do have a room to ourselves in a house with running water, electricity, and family just a shout away. We do have a nice - albeit secondhand - bed. We do have three adorable, cuddly cats and a loyal dog. We do have enough money to suit our immediate needs and set a tiny bit aside for baby essentials. We do have a loving relationship and budding fondness for our little one in the making. We do have so much, comparatively.

Just this morning, I had the opportunity to see my obstetrician and check on our baby's development. Everything looked just as it should - skull, spine, and all! What an immense blessing to have the equipment and medical professionals necessary to monitor fetal development, especially after what has happened before.

No, living in an upstairs bedroom of my mother's house isn't an ideal situation, especially with a baby on the way. But we're so very blessed to have family willing to help us out when we needed a place to move, and it's solely our space. How many people don't even have that much?

No, we aren't rolling in money, but we certainly have what we need at this particular moment. We have food, water, air conditioning, a roof over our heads, and we're not falling into more and more debt. Sure, we have debts to pay, but most of them were incurred by my darling husband before we got married. The other notable debts are our car, which is a perfectly reasonable debt, and a credit card which got us through the difficulties of living on one minimum-wage salary when we were first married.

I've just been looking around our room. I enjoy my time in here, and actually feel quite comfortable. Even with the basics, we make it work. Frankly, that's something I've been saying a lot lately: I'm just trying to make do with what we have. It's easy to think we don't have much, but we really are rolling in the blessings.

{{Link}} "16 (+15) Ways I Blew My Marriage" + "Marriage Advice I Wish I Would Have Had"

A few weeks ago, I happened upon this link (I think he uses an occasional swear word): "16 Ways I Blew My Marriage" I had read this article before, but Charles hadn't. Since we were taking some special time together, I thought it might be nice to take turns reading each of the reasons. We cuddled-up together and started reading.

Each suggestion made a lot of sense. Honestly, I felt pretty good about myself each time we read a reason which we were already implementing in our marriage. There are plenty of stories of couples who just "grew apart" or "fell out of love," and that's not something Charles and I want for our marriage. Frankly, I don't think anyone who sincerely loves their spouse wants their marriage to end - even those in relationships which are having troubles.

Even in happy marriages, his suggestions make a lot of sense. A few days after reading the article, Charles showed up after work in nice, clean clothes, freshly-shaved, and smelling quite nice. That was his way of utilizing the "Don't Stop Trying to Be Attractive" suggestion. While I love my tired, jeans-and-t-shirt, working man any day, it's nice when he makes an extra effort to be attractive just for me.

At the end of the initial 16 suggestions, it turned out he had written another 15. "The OTHER 15 Ways I Blew My Marriage" This time, neither of us had read the article and, since we enjoyed the first one, we dove right in! A few days later, a friend shared this link on Facebook: "Marriage Advice I Wish I Would Have Had" Though his list was much shorter, his suggestions made tons of sense too.

Since then, all these words of advice have been rattling around in my head. Ten years from now, I don't want to be the couple that just "lost it." I want to continually be working on our marriage, and keeping it strong - as it should be. I'm very seriously considering writing these different "ways" down somewhere where I can see them, or at least one or two I want to work on at the time. It's so easy to just fall into a rut and let your relationship sink by the wayside. I would rather take the time to maintain our relationship then have to piece together a relationship which has been needing some TLC for quite a while.

Either way, I would definitely suggest anyone who is serious about any romantic relationship read these three articles and find ways to implement them. Even if all you do is work on one thing at a time.

{{Link}} "Seeing a Woman: A conversation between father and son"

A friend on Facebook posted THIS LINK on her wall, and I love it! Some of my favorite lines:

"It's a woman's responsibility to dress herself in the morning. It is your responsibility to look at her like a human being regardless of what she is wearing. You will feel the temptation to blame her for your wandering eyes because of what she is wearing - or not wearing. But don't. Don't play the victim." (Italics added.)

"Humans objectify the things they love in an effort to control them. If you truly love a person, do not reduce them to an object."

"Let's be clear: a woman's body is not dangerous to you. Her body will not cause you harm. It will  not make you do stupid things. If you do stupid things it is because you chose to do stupid things." 

"Women are not weaker than men. They are not the weaker sex. They are the other sex." (Italics added.)

 Really, this article is great, so I would highly suggest you read it for yourself! He has a lot of great wisdom to share, and I only hope Charles and I can convey a similar message to our boys when we catch "the look."

I Have a Problem

I have a problem. I've never been great at waiting. As a junior in high school, I had a lot of great senior friends. As a result, I caught their "senior-itis." Chronically. I was just so ready to be moving on with my life, and watching all of them take those steps made me yearn to do the same. As a senior, my family announced their plans to move to Missouri within the year. A part of me was devastated. Another part of me - the obsessive, planning part - wanted to leave immediately. If I was going to have to leave everything I'd built up during three years, I didn't want to postpone having to get used to my new situation. So, I said my goodbyes and moved in with my grandparents a month or two ahead of my family.

After that, I couldn't finish high school fast enough. Then came college. I applied to three schools. By the time I'd gotten acceptance letters from the first two schools, University of Utah and Brigham Young University - Idaho, I was going crazy. I wanted to see if I'd gotten accepted by the third school, Brigham Young University, but a large part of me said Idaho was the place to be. I accepted their offer, including a half-tuition scholarship for the first two semesters, about a month before my BYU acceptance letter came, and never looked back.

I loved everything about college. I loved the classes, the activities, living in Idaho, and being much closer to family I hadn't seen in years. I also loved always having something to do. BYU-Idaho's semesters are a little different than "regular" semesters, so I had a significant amount of time between one semester and the next, which drove me nuts.

Just before my second - and currently last - semester, I had joined a couple of dating websites (because, frankly, I had no men lining up at my door.) At the beginning of my summer break, I met a guy in Vegas. We spent some time together while I was there for a choir reunion, then I went back to Missouri to await starting my next semester.

We technically had a long-distance relationship, and I had a strong feeling that I was supposed to be married within the year, but I was miserable. I felt I couldn't possibly be meant to be married to someone like that, so I started looking for other options... and what I found was so worth the wait. (Story can be found HERE, on our daughter's blog.)

I found true love, and once someone like myself finds a love like that, you don't want to wait to start your married life. Thankfully, neither did my intended-spouse. Two months and two days later, we tied the knot. Truly, I would have been happy with doing it immediately, but that's not how things worked out. It's been nearly two years now, and I have never regretted our decision.

We wanted children immediately, and, after about three months, we got the answer we wanted. Of course, things didn't quite work out how we'd expected, and awful periods of waiting ensued. Then there was the waiting after giving birth, and the waiting while trying to conceive (read: INSANITY.) Now there's the waiting to see our baby at each appointment, and the waiting for our little blessing to finally be here. 

As you can tell, I have a major problem. I despise waiting, but it seems to be a favorite of life's teaching tools. You know, while writing this post, it occurs to me that maybe life is teaching me to enjoy the wait. Though my life can be summarized into many different periods of waiting, I have had many small moments which make the wait worth it. Waiting to finish high school gave me the opportunity to make some great friends, and enjoy a pretty great choir career. Waiting to marry Charles just made me want to marry him more, and appreciate how happy he makes me when we're together. Waiting to give birth to Sophia gave me the time to get to know her in the womb, which was especially important because I knew I wouldn't have much - if any - time to get to know her outside of the womb. Waiting with this little one is giving Charles and I the opportunity to enjoy our last months of real alone time.

Waiting doesn't have to be so bad, and really, life hasn't thrown me any period of waiting which didn't teach me something I needed or wasn't appreciative of afterward. I'll be thirteen weeks along tomorrow, and - while they haven't been particularly pleasant - I am grateful to have had them. The next twenty-seven will undoubtedly fly by, and when I get the chance to look back a couple years from now, it really won't seem like that waiting was very long or hard at all. 

The Decision

There are a couple different ways to approach each situation. There is the positive approach: which can range from unrealistic, blind optimism to choosing to smile and keep calm when something comes up; OR you could choose the negative approach: which can range from constantly assuming the worst possible situation is reality, to allowing all attached emotions to become numb.

I have taken both sides in my lifetime. While the negative approach is easier in the short-term, the positive approach is better emotionally for the long-term, and vise-versa. When we were first told about our daughter's condition over a year ago, our initial reaction was to break down. It felt like our world was crumbling around us. We went from expecting what we thought was a healthy little girl - shopping for used baby furniture, getting excited over every ultrasound and every week which passed - to packing up what little supplies we did have, crying until it literally hurt, and nursing a gaping hole in my perfect little picture of our future family.

At that point, we had to make a choice - a choice which had already been laid out in front of us by many different medical professionals: abort and begin recovery, or continue the pregnancy without knowing what we were up against. As you know, we chose the latter. This came with a whole other decision to make: how were we going to approach life going forward.

At first, Charles didn't even like talking about the pregnancy. He didn't treat me poorly - in fact, he was just as sweet and gallant as ever, if not more, but I felt dirty... like the little blessing inside of me was something to be ashamed of. But, really, that was just his personal way of coping with the situation. After a couple heart-felt conversations, he agreed to make an effort to be excited about our little blessing.

What really helped was when Sophia started kicking hard enough for Charles for feel her. It made her more real for both of us, and helped us to maintain our positive outlook. I have had many people ask how we managed to maintain our faith during our trial with her. It was not easy. Few people were privy to my breakdowns, my overwhelming need to be held and comforted, and the couple times Charles and I felt so separate in the ways we were dealing with the prolonged loss of our daughter. We could not carry the load between the two of us - we absolutely needed our God's strength to buoy us up, and we knew it. Rejecting Him was not an option.

Fast forward to a few months ago. 

Trying to conceive was making me lose my mind. I lived my life in weeks, anticipated symptoms, and a sea of negatives - including my attitude. Friends were getting pregnant, and several of them even lost pregnancies. I started to sink into a spiral of negative thoughts:

What if I never get pregnant again?

What if I do, but we just end up going through the same thing over and over again?

Will I lose a pregnancy too?

What will Charles and I do if we never have children?

I started to feel useless and defective, like all I was capable of was making babies with no skull caps... and that's not a great skill if you want to expand your family. These thoughts, coupled with immense frustration over our living and employment situations, led to a couple of realizations.

1) We needed to move. Yesterday.

2) It's practically impossible to "just don't think about trying to conceive."

3) Reading scriptures and praying daily are very important, and essential to keeping a positive outlook. 

4) Having a plan for your day and/or some way to pass the time is valuable, especially when you're losing your mind in the monotony of trying to add to your family.

So, we moved. Quickly. I had already picked up on reading my scriptures more often, and focusing on the move and everything we needed to do before it could happen helped keep my mind off of baby-making. The fact that I hadn't been feeling well didn't help, but I did my best to push it to the back of my mind. I couldn't stand another negative test - not when we were working so hard to not only make positive changes in our lives but also to maintain a positive outlook for our future.

Then my period was late, and I was throwing up for seemingly no reason. I still refused to test. It wouldn't be the first time I'd had "pregnancy symptoms," only to be let down when it came time to test. Then things started to settle down, and my symptoms didn't fade, so I tested.

It was positive.

I celebrated with the fries and gravy I had been craving for days.

But then the negativity started to loom again.

Will this baby die too?
Will I even make it past the first trimester?
Can we support a baby?
Am I even capable of being a good mother?

So, once again, I came to a crossroads. I had to decide whether to embrace the negativity or accept the fact that the odds were in our favor for having a healthy baby - that, whatever happened, we could handle it with the help of the Lord.

I'm choosing to be positive. I'm choosing to believe this baby will survive and that Charles and I will be wonderful parents. I'm choosing to throw myself into my calling as a primary teacher, and give those kids everything they deserve - not an under-prepared, disinterested teacher who can't wait to get onto their own life. I'm choosing to keep busy during the week by maintaining a pleasant living environment wherever we are, and doing things I enjoy like writing, reading scriptures, napping, keeping hydrated (it's not as easy as you think), spending time with family, etc. I even have a very part time job helping my mother out when she has to be out of work for an extended period of time.

It's still not easy. Life isn't easy. Whatever you're up against - and everyone is always against some kind of trial - you have a choice. You can choose to accept the negative thoughts which will undoubtedly bombard you, or you can choose to be positive. Being positive doesn't mean you think you can handle everything on your own. It doesn't mean you blindly believe the best is going to happen either, or that you won't have rough days. It means you will exercise your faith, trust that the Lord knows and loves you and will be there for you, no matter how difficult things get.

Recently, a family in our ward lost a daughter too. She had been on this earth much longer than our Sophia, and I'm sure it was quite the shock. Then came the Decision, and they chose to be positive. They have not wallowed in their loss. That doesn't mean it has been easy. That doesn't mean they haven't broken down crying every once in a while. That doesn't mean they haven't needed the Lord as their constant companion.

Every trial comes with a choice. Choose to be positive. Choose to lean on the Lord - He is really, truly only a prayer away. He will send His angels, even if they're in the form of a caring friend or a spontaneous plate of cookies from your neighbor. It doesn't mean you have to pretend to be deliriously happy, or pretend your problems don't exist. Being positive may not be easy or even the most popular way to deal with trials, but you will never regret it.

We still don't know whether we will get to be full-time parents once our little one's due date rolls around, but we're choosing to have faith. In the meantime, I'm gulping down water like it's my job (because, well, it is), keeping well-nourished, spending time with my little one's daddy (he's a total hottie), and finding constructive ways to pass the time - like obsessing over cloth diapering - so I don't go crazy for the zillionth time. It sure beats worrying my brains out over what could happen.

(P.S. I just wanted to note that I'm not suggesting you strive to be blindly optimistic. There is no reason not to search out your options in each situation, set some money aside for the rainy days, and allow yourself a good cry every once in a while. However, when things do get rough - and they most certainly will - you should do everything in your power to maintain your faith in God, continue doing things which make you genuinely happy, and look forward to the future with hope.)

Banana Burps

Have any of you seen "What to Expect When You're Expecting"? Well, though I do not recommend the movie due to a plethora of language, it does a great job of representing pregnancy from several different points of view. I would love to say my experiences have been akin to the step-mother's, but that would be a dirty lie. It has been more like the daughter. Now, let's completely ignore my first pregnancy for a moment, because that was a freaky never-going-to-happen-again situation.

I hope.

This pregnancy can pretty much be summed up in how I feel right now: banana burps, noxious toots, and snot clogging my nostrils before running down my throat. Gag. Headaches are pretty normal now, as is smelling like a sweaty beast when it's perfectly cool, and waking up in the middle of the night to remove every piece of clothing anywhere near touching my stomach to attempt to avoid vomiting.

So. Fun. Pregnancy is supposed to be this amazing, wonderful thing - and it is, generally, I mean, you're making a person for crying out loud - but no one generally tells you how awful it can also be. When people think of pregnancy, they think of morning sickness, but not the excessive sweating, the bloating which makes you feel like a walrus, the increased blood volume (which is a problem in itself), the hormones which make you want to both scream and cuddle those you love, and the constant worrying that something might be wrong. Even if you haven't had a baby before, the first trimester is fraught with worrying whether your baby is going to make it; whether your baby will be healthy; whether you'll be able to handle childbirth. Add losing your first to a neural tube defect - or really anything which is completely out of your control - and pregnancy is no cake walk.

But it gets better. Feeling those kicks, even when you're sitting up against a table and that perfect little foot pushes you back, surprised, is awesome. That's one thing I knew I would miss about Sophia. There's something very intimate about holding a little human being inside yourself; about knowing you are what is keeping them alive; about feeling both certain and totally uncertain that you can even do this.

I'm looking forward to the good things, and making it through the bad. I accept that anything worth having may be difficult to attain, and I'm willing to work for our little one. Whatever it takes.